The voices...

Me: Did you say something to me while I was in the kitchen?
Him: Nope.
Me: Oh. Thought I heard your voice.
Him: Nope. You've just gone crazy.
Me: And whose fault is that?
Him: ....no comment...

Blimey!

Him: I'm leaving early. You can too if you want.

Me: Thanks. I'm staying.
Him: Going out in the city later?
Me: Yep. A brit friend of mine just came back from UK, so a bunch of us are getting together for happy hour to say Hello and welcome back.
Him: .......shouldn't it be more like 'ALLO!
Me and several coworkers: ....*hysterical laughter*

Cookie Kerfuffle

Me: Would you like a chocolate chip cookie? There're also raisin cookies, but I know you don't like those.
Him: Sure! *nomnomnom*
Me: (to coworker "M") Would you like a raisin cookie?
Him: God no!
Me: I was talking to "M" that time, mister greedy.
Him: ...Um... so was I.
Me:  -_-

Mobile

Him: (calling me from his car) Hey! How y'doin?
Me: Not so great. I'm crying in the corner since you're not around.
Him: Yeeea. That's also what I do whenever I'm not around.
Me: Understandable. Wait... what?