Holiday Card Time!

Me: Do you wanna keep this holiday card in your office?
Him: Yeah. I want people to see it.
Me: ........ Who comes into your office?
Him: Um... you. I want you to see it.
Me: Um...... I just saw it.
Him: Ok. Good.

What about Hap-izzlin?

*Via IMs after I'd missed a mumbled comment as he walked by...

Me: Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you just say to me? (and fyi your guest is in the lobby)
Him: I said to go ahead and put my guest in the conference room. I'll be ready in a minute.
Me: Ah. Already hap-nin.
Him: Hap-nin is not a word. However Hip-hap-nin is.
Me: Good advice. Noted.

Be Excellent to Each Other!

Him: Why did that guy show up an hour early? Was that his mistake or ours?
Me: His mistake. He confirmed the correct time with me, then got it wrong anyway.
Him: As Keanu Reeves would put it... "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
Me: Did you really just go all Bill & Ted on me?
Him: Indeed I did.
Me: ..........very well, then.

No Comment

Me: Hey. Don't forget to send me that event schedule you said you would send me earlier.
Him: Oh... uh... you think I forgot, don't you?
Me: Yes, I do.
Him: I'm just not even gonna comment, cuz I'm so insulted by that.
Me: Well, that's a pretty loud non-comment.
Him: ..................

They Sell WHAT at the WHERE?!!!

(Note: It took me quite a while to calm down from hysterical laughter, so I could type this one out. Enjoy!)

Me: *hugesigh* I'm exhausted. I wish SO hard that I had a hot tub.
Him: They sell them downstairs!
Me: They do?
Him: Yep!
Me: Where?
Him: At the cheesesteak place!
Me: They sell hot tubs at the cheesesteak place?!!!
Him: Heck yeah! They taste really good too!
Me: Are you hearing something else when I say hot tub?
Him: OH! I thought you said hot dog!
Both of us: BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

Hit the Deck!!!

Him: (upon hearing the emergency warning siren they test every Tuesday at noon) Are we being attacked?
Me: Yes. Get under your desk.
Him: I dunno why they tell kids to do that. How could that do any good?
Me: *shrug* It's good for a laugh at least.
Him: It is?
Me: Well it would be to me if you did it.
Him: *sigh* I'm going to go get some lunch.
Me: Ok, but be careful. We're being attacked.

Just Admit You Like It

Him: Hey, I'm sending you a scheduling thing.
Me: How... unusual.
Him: Look, Snarky McSnarkerton...
Me: Oh, come on. How unentertaining would your days be if I wasn't Snarky McSnarkerton?
Him: I guess I'd just hafta find something else to fill that void.
Me: Ooo! Ooo! Like an office kitten?!
Him: *sigh*

I'm so proud! *sniffle*

Him: (to coworker "M") Where do you keep the extra kleenex boxes?
M: Under the counter next to the printers.
Him: (walking past the printer area into the kitchen) The counter in the kitchen?
M: Do you see a printer in the kitchen?
Me: Hah! Nicely said, M!
Him: (to me) Uh oh. Your sarcasm is starting to rub off on her.
Me: Mwahahahahahaaaaaa...

2 Posts in 1 Day?! Bonus!

Him: Hey, could you show me how t... uhhh... nevermind. I just figured it out.
Me: What was it?
Him: A formatting thing. I thought I couldn't do it, but then I remembered how incredibly capable I am.
Me: Incredibly capable AND humble.
Him: Yes. I am tooootally humble. It's awesome.

That explains so much!

(emailing me while he's stuck on a long board call)

Him: Diet Coke please, and 8 blueberries. Thx.
Me: (after delivering snack) That was totally a request like my bestie's son would make.
Him: I'm a 4 year old at heart.

I'm right. You're wro...FIRE!

Him: The CEO just told me a different address and meeting time than I see in the calendar item.
Me: The CEO is wrong. I've confirmed it with his administrator.
Him: Could you double-check anyway?
Me: Of course......... Ok, I've checked with both of them together. The info I gave you is correct, and the CEO apologized for his mistake.
Him: You do realize that if I show up to the wrong place at the wrong time tomorrow, I'm coming back here to light you on fire.
Me: You're gonna light me on fire?
Him: Yes. Assuming that's not illegal. Hm. Maybe I should check with HR. One sec............. darnit. Apparently, that's not ok.
Me: Definitely over the line.
Him: ........... barely.
Me: I don't think I like your tone, sir.

Happy Anniversary!

Him: Hey! How long have you been working with me?
Me: (huge grin) Five years yesterday, sir!
Him: Five years! Wow! That's astounding! Here! (handing me an oddly thick envelope)
Me: Wow! Thanks!
Him: (as I open it) Now, I know it's ridiculous, but this is apparently what happens when you try to order a Nordstrom gift card with a multiple-hundreds amount...



Me: Bwaaaaahahahahahahaaa! I love it. I could play solitaire with all these! Thank you!!!

Just Keeping Things Balanced

Him: (to coworker) Hey, you should take off early if the rest of the team isn't coming back to the office today.
Coworker: Ok. I probably will. Thanks.
Him: (to me) Hey, you should stay veeerrrrrrrrrrrrryyyy late.
Me: Well..... as long as YOU leave, that's fine.
Him: ........................

Too Slow, Chicken Marango!

Him: Hey! Which ones are our L.A. companies?
Me: Hm. Rit...
Him: (interrupting with company name)
Me: Yes, and also...

Him: (interrupting with next company name)
Me: Uh huh, and...

Him: (interrupting with last two company names)
Me: ............yep.
Him: Ok. Got it.
Me: Glad I could help.

Achoo?

Him: (strange almost sneeze-like noise)
Me: ...............Bllllllless you?
Him: ...............Thhhhhhank you?
Me: Heh.
Him: (strange not-quite-normal sneeze-ish noise again)
Me: Those are sneezes, aren't they?
Him: As far as you know.
Me: Ah... ninja sneezes.

Vacation Text Episode

CRASH!!!

Preface: This is the morning after Bossipoo(™) had been in an auto accident. His car was stopped on an offramp, and a woman rear-ended his SUV going full highway speed. (Miraculously, he's fine.)

Me: Oh, my god. I can't even convey how insanely relieved I am that you're OK. I had a totally irrational "what if I'd lost you" wig out last night.
Him: Thanks. I hate having those "what if I'd lost me" nights. ;) Seriously though. It all happened so fast. Really reminds you how fragile life is.
Me: Absolutely. Especially the life of someone who can make me laugh at a time like this. Ya dayum goofball. *warmfuzzy*
Him: *alsowarmfuzzy*

What? Huh? What? Huh? What?

Him: Here’s another business card for contact updates.
Me: Cool, thanks. (looking it over) Oh, I didn’t know he was from that company.
Him: (having not heard what I said) Was that english?
Me: Yes. (starting to repeat…)
Him: (starting to talk to coworker, then stopping to listen but missing it…) Wait. What?
Me: (starting again…)
Him: (starting to talk to coworker again, then stopping to listen but missing it again…) I can’t understand any of that. You should just stop talking.
Me: (to imaginary audience) Today the role of Bossipoo(™) will be played by Sarah.
Him: *eyeroll*

Sexeh Thang

Him: Are you getting sick?
Me: No. Why?
Him: You sound like you're getting sick.
Me: Oh, you mean my husky morning voice?
Him: Yeah. It sounds like a sicky thing.
Me: It's a sexy thing.
Him: Oh, is that what you're going for today? (quickly escaping to hallway)
Me: Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!

The Rubber-Room Tango?

Him: Hey, this guy is gonna call while I'm on this other call. I'm gonna need to be pulled away for it.
Me: One of us will come in and do an interpretive dance to indicate it's time.
Him: If you do an interpretive dance, I'm going to interpret it in a completely different way.
Me: Oh, yeah?
Him: Yeah. I'm gonna interpret it to mean I should call in the guys with straight jackets for you.

Geography Schmeography

Me: Is this company I'm scheduling local?
Him: Umm… I think they were local last time we saw them, but may have moved north.
Me: Any idea where?
Him: Yeah. Uhhh… maybe not too far from here… or maybe Canada. Umm… Yeah. Somewhere between here and Canada.
Me: ………………..thanks for the clarification.

Cookies & Denial

Him: (returning from lunch meeting) Here! I got you a cookie!
Me: Awwww... thanks, Bossipoo!
Him: ..... I refuse to respond to that name.
Me: That's fine. Now, what's IN the cookie?
Him: There's love in the cookie.
Me: You won't respond to Bossipoo, but you'll say there's love in the cookie?
Him: ............................
Me: Your silence does not count as a denial, y'know.
Him: .................... yes.

What's in a Name?

Him: What's this next guy's first name again?
Me: Donald. I think he goes by Don.
Him: Don? (with an 'ah' sound) Well, how do you know it's not Don? (with an 'oh' sound)
Me: ..........You're absolutely right, FrOHdrick FrONkenstEEn. It *could* be Don. (with an 'oh' sound)
Him: Thanks, AYgor!

Redundant much?

Me: Is the guy you just interviewed waiting to meet someone else? He's still in the main conference room, and we need to set it up for the board meeting.
Him: (distractedly) ........uh......uh... no. He's done. You can kick him out if you need to.
Me: Ok. Great. Thanks.

(5 minutes later)

Him: Hey! You know there's a board meeting starting soon. Could you please make sure someone gets the main conference room ready for that?
Me: ..........were you seriously THAT distracted before, or are you kidding with me?
Him: ...............whu?
Me: Oh jeez. Nevermind. Yes, the room will be ready. *eyeroll*

Just go.

Him: I'm leaving in about an hour.
Me: Whatever will I do without you?
Him: You'll manage.............. BARELY, but you'll manage.
Me: Hm. Are you sure you don't wanna leave RIGHT NOW instead?

Dignity. Always dignity.

Him: Will we have time for a longer partner meeting next week? We're running out of time today, and there's a lot more to go over.
Me: Not really. You've got a board call directly before, and two full-team pitches directly after.
Him: Awwwwww phoooey!
Me: Excellent point. Well made.

Showdown

Me: FYI, I made some shifts in tomorrow's schedule to allow for that extra meeting we thought wouldn't fit, but it means you'll be a little back-to-back. Not a lot! Just a little!
Him: .....................
Me: Don't kill me.
Him: ..................... I cannot confirm I won't kill you.
Me: Well..... then you go right ahead and TRY to kill me.
Him: ..... I think I'll go into this meeting now.

The voices...

Me: Did you say something to me while I was in the kitchen?
Him: Nope.
Me: Oh. Thought I heard your voice.
Him: Nope. You've just gone crazy.
Me: And whose fault is that?
Him: ....no comment...

Blimey!

Him: I'm leaving early. You can too if you want.

Me: Thanks. I'm staying.
Him: Going out in the city later?
Me: Yep. A brit friend of mine just came back from UK, so a bunch of us are getting together for happy hour to say Hello and welcome back.
Him: .......shouldn't it be more like 'ALLO!
Me and several coworkers: ....*hysterical laughter*

Cookie Kerfuffle

Me: Would you like a chocolate chip cookie? There're also raisin cookies, but I know you don't like those.
Him: Sure! *nomnomnom*
Me: (to coworker "M") Would you like a raisin cookie?
Him: God no!
Me: I was talking to "M" that time, mister greedy.
Him: ...Um... so was I.
Me:  -_-

Mobile

Him: (calling me from his car) Hey! How y'doin?
Me: Not so great. I'm crying in the corner since you're not around.
Him: Yeeea. That's also what I do whenever I'm not around.
Me: Understandable. Wait... what?