Office Jams?

(this morning's kitchen convo)

Him: So... this boyfriend... what's he do?
Me: He's a singer and musician.
Him: What does he play?
Me: Lots of things. He even composes full orchestrations, but his main weapon is bass.
Him: (sounding nervous) Are you gonna move away?
Me: No. He's planning to eventually start building work-infrastructure for himself here.
Him: (sounding relieved) Hm. Y'know I *was* think that when we move our new office should have an office bass player.
Me: (laughing) If we get an office bass player, I promise I'll finally stop harassing you for an office kitten. :D

Skin Deep

Him: I always get this red mark on my nose if I get too dehydrated. It's weird. Even my dermatologist couldn't figure it out.
Me: Wow. Crazy. I always get a red mark in the same spot, but it's cuz my nose is skinny so my glasses dig into it there.
Him: Well, you DO have Skinny Nose Disease.
Me: Yup! And you have Water Bindi Disease!
Both: Bwaaahahahahahaha!

Day Ain't Over Yet

Could you... uh, nevermind.

(while chatting with Coworker™, Bossipoo™walks by and says...)
Him: Hey, Coworker™? We're running really low on everything.
Me and Coworker™Simultaneously: We actually JUST received a delivery.
Him: Hey, Coworker™? We're running really high on everything.
Me and Coworker™Simultaneously: BWAAAAHAHAHAHA...

Ya GOT Me!

(convo through email)

Him: Could you get this thing done for me?
Me: I got that thing done for you over a week ago.
Him: Well, then. Do absolutely nothing.
Me: I am now sitting very still, sir.
Him: Except for your fingers, obviously.
Me: .........DAMNIT!

Rainy Lunch

Him: Do we have an umbrella I can take to my lunch meeting?
Me: You can take mine.
Him: It might be too girly.
Me: It's a plain dark blue umbrella. It's not girly at all.
(he uses it, and after he comes back...)
Me: Did it make you feel girly?
Him: Well, everyone kept pointing at me and laughing.
Me: Are you sure that was cuz of the umbrella?
Him: Didn't catch that. What?
Me: Nothing. (huge grin)

EMERGEN...nevermind.

Him: Hey, S?
Me: Yes?
Him: I think someone stole my calculator!
Me: Seriously?!
Him: No. Here it is.
Me: *laughinghysterically* Wow, Bossipoo. Wow.
Him: That was close.
Me: I'm lightning fast at solving crimes.

Chain-chain-chaaain...

Upon passing each other in the hallway that leads to the restrooms...

Him: *makes a hand gesture indicating I should get-the -hell back to my desk*
Me: Yeah. I know. I chewed thru my chains again.
Him: DAMNIT! I need to get some thicker chains.
Me: Get some chocolate chains. I'll still chew thru them, but at least I won't leave.

Mumbly Denial

Him (to Coworker "M"): Hey, M? Um... *very mumbly half sentences*
Coworker M: What? Hang on a sec. I couldn't hear that.
Me: He was mumbling. I think he's still trying to figure out what he wanted to say to you.
Coworker M: Ah. Ok.
Him: *very mumbly again* .................. I don't mumble.

I Needed A Laugh

Me: So, there's this guy's name on your calendar right now, but I don't know why. (since he made the entry himself, sans details)
Him: Thaaaaaaat's cuz I need to call that guy.
Me: Ah. Ok. Well, in that case you're 8 minutes late.
Him: Some might call it fashionably late.
Me: *laughing a little*
Him: Fine. Go ahead and be negative.
Me: *laughing a little more*
Him: (after calling the guy to find he needed to reschedule for 2 days from now) See? Now I'm actually 2 days early!
Me: *laughing a LOT*

Fair Enough

Him: Any word from that no-show guy?
Me: Nope.
Him: Very strange.
Me: It happens.
Him: ..........and when it does, it's very strange.

Too Easy

Him: Does the dress code for this place we're going to require jackets for brunch?
Me: They say it's "preferred", but not required.
Him: Hm. I'm still just not sure if I need one or not.
Me: I'm guessing you're not the type of guy they're concerned with.
Him: Ah. So, they're more concerned with riff-raff.
Me: Hmmm... maybe you *should* bring a jacket then.

Grrrrrrowl...

Him: *not quite clear mumbling*
Me: Did you just say "Sarah" or was that some kind of grunt?
Him: That was an "Rrrrrrr..."
Me: Ah, ok. Maybe a little like Sarah.
Him: Sarrrrrrrrrrrrrrah.
Me: :D

Y'gotta Be Specific

Him: Will you remind me I have a call in two minutes?
Me: Mm hm. *beatbeat* Hey...
Him: (interrupting immediately) Remind me in one minute, that I have a call in two minutes.
Me: *smirk* Ok.

Calm Down, Spicy Spice!

Him: That curry I had for lunch was so hot I went thru two waters in one meeting.
Me: Wow!
Him: I might even need another one to kill it.
Me: You should have a yogurt.
Him: ................YOU should have a yogurt.
Me: -_- A yogurt will kill a curry.
Him: .................oh.

It Takes All Kinds

Him: (having fwd a particularly ridiculous pitch email to me) "Please clear the rest of June for this. There is no higher priority. (please ignore my last 2 sentences)"
Me: (after choking on my tuna wrap) "The brilliance of this guy. It blinds me. Do you actually want me to schedule him, or is this strictly for the WTF archives?"
Him: "WTF. If you ever schedule a guy like this, I'll tar and feather you, assuming that's legal for an employer to do. Is it?"
Me: "Tar, no. Feathers, yes. Throw in some glitter, and it's just another day in my typical world. :D"

That's YouTube GOLD!

Him: Ok. I gotta get down in my car, so I can commute home during this next call.
Me: You gotta get down in your car? You mean, like Disco Fever?
Him: Uhhh... yes.
Me: Can I watch?
Him: Only on YouTube.

Plastered Pitch?

Now THAT'S how to throw a morning meeting. W3rd.

Bossi-girl?

Me: (after taking a confirmation call from restaurant host) Woohoo! I totally forgot that Max Raabe and dinner at Jardinière are THIS Friday.
Him: Good restaurant!
Coworker: Good band!
Me: Yep! I'm taking my girl out!
Him: ........by any chance, am I your girl?
Me & Coworker: Bwaaahahahahaaa!

BONK! BONK!

Him: (pops his head up in the window between his office and my desk, then immediately pops back down out of it)
Me: Wow. That was like a whack-a-mole moment.
Him: (in chat) Shush. I'm on my cell phone.
Me: (also in chat) Shushing commenced.
Him: Plus, if you whack me, I'll press charges.
Me: Pfft. Like I haven't heard THAT one a million times before.
Him: More shushing, please.

Holiday Card Time!

Me: Do you wanna keep this holiday card in your office?
Him: Yeah. I want people to see it.
Me: ........ Who comes into your office?
Him: Um... you. I want you to see it.
Me: Um...... I just saw it.
Him: Ok. Good.

What about Hap-izzlin?

*Via IMs after I'd missed a mumbled comment as he walked by...

Me: Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you just say to me? (and fyi your guest is in the lobby)
Him: I said to go ahead and put my guest in the conference room. I'll be ready in a minute.
Me: Ah. Already hap-nin.
Him: Hap-nin is not a word. However Hip-hap-nin is.
Me: Good advice. Noted.

Be Excellent to Each Other!

Him: Why did that guy show up an hour early? Was that his mistake or ours?
Me: His mistake. He confirmed the correct time with me, then got it wrong anyway.
Him: As Keanu Reeves would put it... "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
Me: Did you really just go all Bill & Ted on me?
Him: Indeed I did.
Me: ..........very well, then.

No Comment

Me: Hey. Don't forget to send me that event schedule you said you would send me earlier.
Him: Oh... uh... you think I forgot, don't you?
Me: Yes, I do.
Him: I'm just not even gonna comment, cuz I'm so insulted by that.
Me: Well, that's a pretty loud non-comment.
Him: ..................

They Sell WHAT at the WHERE?!!!

(Note: It took me quite a while to calm down from hysterical laughter, so I could type this one out. Enjoy!)

Me: *hugesigh* I'm exhausted. I wish SO hard that I had a hot tub.
Him: They sell them downstairs!
Me: They do?
Him: Yep!
Me: Where?
Him: At the cheesesteak place!
Me: They sell hot tubs at the cheesesteak place?!!!
Him: Heck yeah! They taste really good too!
Me: Are you hearing something else when I say hot tub?
Him: OH! I thought you said hot dog!
Both of us: BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

Hit the Deck!!!

Him: (upon hearing the emergency warning siren they test every Tuesday at noon) Are we being attacked?
Me: Yes. Get under your desk.
Him: I dunno why they tell kids to do that. How could that do any good?
Me: *shrug* It's good for a laugh at least.
Him: It is?
Me: Well it would be to me if you did it.
Him: *sigh* I'm going to go get some lunch.
Me: Ok, but be careful. We're being attacked.

Just Admit You Like It

Him: Hey, I'm sending you a scheduling thing.
Me: How... unusual.
Him: Look, Snarky McSnarkerton...
Me: Oh, come on. How unentertaining would your days be if I wasn't Snarky McSnarkerton?
Him: I guess I'd just hafta find something else to fill that void.
Me: Ooo! Ooo! Like an office kitten?!
Him: *sigh*

I'm so proud! *sniffle*

Him: (to coworker "M") Where do you keep the extra kleenex boxes?
M: Under the counter next to the printers.
Him: (walking past the printer area into the kitchen) The counter in the kitchen?
M: Do you see a printer in the kitchen?
Me: Hah! Nicely said, M!
Him: (to me) Uh oh. Your sarcasm is starting to rub off on her.
Me: Mwahahahahahaaaaaa...

2 Posts in 1 Day?! Bonus!

Him: Hey, could you show me how t... uhhh... nevermind. I just figured it out.
Me: What was it?
Him: A formatting thing. I thought I couldn't do it, but then I remembered how incredibly capable I am.
Me: Incredibly capable AND humble.
Him: Yes. I am tooootally humble. It's awesome.

That explains so much!

(emailing me while he's stuck on a long board call)

Him: Diet Coke please, and 8 blueberries. Thx.
Me: (after delivering snack) That was totally a request like my bestie's son would make.
Him: I'm a 4 year old at heart.

I'm right. You're wro...FIRE!

Him: The CEO just told me a different address and meeting time than I see in the calendar item.
Me: The CEO is wrong. I've confirmed it with his administrator.
Him: Could you double-check anyway?
Me: Of course......... Ok, I've checked with both of them together. The info I gave you is correct, and the CEO apologized for his mistake.
Him: You do realize that if I show up to the wrong place at the wrong time tomorrow, I'm coming back here to light you on fire.
Me: You're gonna light me on fire?
Him: Yes. Assuming that's not illegal. Hm. Maybe I should check with HR. One sec............. darnit. Apparently, that's not ok.
Me: Definitely over the line.
Him: ........... barely.
Me: I don't think I like your tone, sir.

Happy Anniversary!

Him: Hey! How long have you been working with me?
Me: (huge grin) Five years yesterday, sir!
Him: Five years! Wow! That's astounding! Here! (handing me an oddly thick envelope)
Me: Wow! Thanks!
Him: (as I open it) Now, I know it's ridiculous, but this is apparently what happens when you try to order a Nordstrom gift card with a multiple-hundreds amount...



Me: Bwaaaaahahahahahahaaa! I love it. I could play solitaire with all these! Thank you!!!

Just Keeping Things Balanced

Him: (to coworker) Hey, you should take off early if the rest of the team isn't coming back to the office today.
Coworker: Ok. I probably will. Thanks.
Him: (to me) Hey, you should stay veeerrrrrrrrrrrrryyyy late.
Me: Well..... as long as YOU leave, that's fine.
Him: ........................

Too Slow, Chicken Marango!

Him: Hey! Which ones are our L.A. companies?
Me: Hm. Rit...
Him: (interrupting with company name)
Me: Yes, and also...

Him: (interrupting with next company name)
Me: Uh huh, and...

Him: (interrupting with last two company names)
Me: ............yep.
Him: Ok. Got it.
Me: Glad I could help.

Achoo?

Him: (strange almost sneeze-like noise)
Me: ...............Bllllllless you?
Him: ...............Thhhhhhank you?
Me: Heh.
Him: (strange not-quite-normal sneeze-ish noise again)
Me: Those are sneezes, aren't they?
Him: As far as you know.
Me: Ah... ninja sneezes.

Vacation Text Episode

CRASH!!!

Preface: This is the morning after Bossipoo(™) had been in an auto accident. His car was stopped on an offramp, and a woman rear-ended his SUV going full highway speed. (Miraculously, he's fine.)

Me: Oh, my god. I can't even convey how insanely relieved I am that you're OK. I had a totally irrational "what if I'd lost you" wig out last night.
Him: Thanks. I hate having those "what if I'd lost me" nights. ;) Seriously though. It all happened so fast. Really reminds you how fragile life is.
Me: Absolutely. Especially the life of someone who can make me laugh at a time like this. Ya dayum goofball. *warmfuzzy*
Him: *alsowarmfuzzy*

What? Huh? What? Huh? What?

Him: Here’s another business card for contact updates.
Me: Cool, thanks. (looking it over) Oh, I didn’t know he was from that company.
Him: (having not heard what I said) Was that english?
Me: Yes. (starting to repeat…)
Him: (starting to talk to coworker, then stopping to listen but missing it…) Wait. What?
Me: (starting again…)
Him: (starting to talk to coworker again, then stopping to listen but missing it again…) I can’t understand any of that. You should just stop talking.
Me: (to imaginary audience) Today the role of Bossipoo(™) will be played by Sarah.
Him: *eyeroll*

Sexeh Thang

Him: Are you getting sick?
Me: No. Why?
Him: You sound like you're getting sick.
Me: Oh, you mean my husky morning voice?
Him: Yeah. It sounds like a sicky thing.
Me: It's a sexy thing.
Him: Oh, is that what you're going for today? (quickly escaping to hallway)
Me: Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!

The Rubber-Room Tango?

Him: Hey, this guy is gonna call while I'm on this other call. I'm gonna need to be pulled away for it.
Me: One of us will come in and do an interpretive dance to indicate it's time.
Him: If you do an interpretive dance, I'm going to interpret it in a completely different way.
Me: Oh, yeah?
Him: Yeah. I'm gonna interpret it to mean I should call in the guys with straight jackets for you.

Geography Schmeography

Me: Is this company I'm scheduling local?
Him: Umm… I think they were local last time we saw them, but may have moved north.
Me: Any idea where?
Him: Yeah. Uhhh… maybe not too far from here… or maybe Canada. Umm… Yeah. Somewhere between here and Canada.
Me: ………………..thanks for the clarification.

Cookies & Denial

Him: (returning from lunch meeting) Here! I got you a cookie!
Me: Awwww... thanks, Bossipoo!
Him: ..... I refuse to respond to that name.
Me: That's fine. Now, what's IN the cookie?
Him: There's love in the cookie.
Me: You won't respond to Bossipoo, but you'll say there's love in the cookie?
Him: ............................
Me: Your silence does not count as a denial, y'know.
Him: .................... yes.

What's in a Name?

Him: What's this next guy's first name again?
Me: Donald. I think he goes by Don.
Him: Don? (with an 'ah' sound) Well, how do you know it's not Don? (with an 'oh' sound)
Me: ..........You're absolutely right, FrOHdrick FrONkenstEEn. It *could* be Don. (with an 'oh' sound)
Him: Thanks, AYgor!

Redundant much?

Me: Is the guy you just interviewed waiting to meet someone else? He's still in the main conference room, and we need to set it up for the board meeting.
Him: (distractedly) ........uh......uh... no. He's done. You can kick him out if you need to.
Me: Ok. Great. Thanks.

(5 minutes later)

Him: Hey! You know there's a board meeting starting soon. Could you please make sure someone gets the main conference room ready for that?
Me: ..........were you seriously THAT distracted before, or are you kidding with me?
Him: ...............whu?
Me: Oh jeez. Nevermind. Yes, the room will be ready. *eyeroll*

Just go.

Him: I'm leaving in about an hour.
Me: Whatever will I do without you?
Him: You'll manage.............. BARELY, but you'll manage.
Me: Hm. Are you sure you don't wanna leave RIGHT NOW instead?

Dignity. Always dignity.

Him: Will we have time for a longer partner meeting next week? We're running out of time today, and there's a lot more to go over.
Me: Not really. You've got a board call directly before, and two full-team pitches directly after.
Him: Awwwwww phoooey!
Me: Excellent point. Well made.

Showdown

Me: FYI, I made some shifts in tomorrow's schedule to allow for that extra meeting we thought wouldn't fit, but it means you'll be a little back-to-back. Not a lot! Just a little!
Him: .....................
Me: Don't kill me.
Him: ..................... I cannot confirm I won't kill you.
Me: Well..... then you go right ahead and TRY to kill me.
Him: ..... I think I'll go into this meeting now.

The voices...

Me: Did you say something to me while I was in the kitchen?
Him: Nope.
Me: Oh. Thought I heard your voice.
Him: Nope. You've just gone crazy.
Me: And whose fault is that?
Him: ....no comment...

Blimey!

Him: I'm leaving early. You can too if you want.

Me: Thanks. I'm staying.
Him: Going out in the city later?
Me: Yep. A brit friend of mine just came back from UK, so a bunch of us are getting together for happy hour to say Hello and welcome back.
Him: .......shouldn't it be more like 'ALLO!
Me and several coworkers: ....*hysterical laughter*

Cookie Kerfuffle

Me: Would you like a chocolate chip cookie? There're also raisin cookies, but I know you don't like those.
Him: Sure! *nomnomnom*
Me: (to coworker "M") Would you like a raisin cookie?
Him: God no!
Me: I was talking to "M" that time, mister greedy.
Him: ...Um... so was I.
Me:  -_-

Mobile

Him: (calling me from his car) Hey! How y'doin?
Me: Not so great. I'm crying in the corner since you're not around.
Him: Yeeea. That's also what I do whenever I'm not around.
Me: Understandable. Wait... what?

Warmfuzzies!!

Him: (via greeting card) Thanks for always keeping me on track & organized. No small task, but you rock it everyday. Cheers to a fantastic 2014 for us!
Me: *blushingprofusely*
Him: Also, here's some booze & happyfun spendin cards. Enjoy!
Me: Woohoo!

NOM!

Him: I don't wanna go into this meeting yet, so I'm gonna stand here and watch you eat noodles.
Me: (unfazed) ......nomnomnom.......
Him: You know... cuz... people don't like it when you watch them eat noodles.
Me: (still unfazed) ...nomnomnom. People? I ain't people! ...nomnom...
Him: You're not?
Me: ...nomnom... Nope! ...nom... I am a shimmering, glowing star in the thee-uh-tuh firmament! ......more noms...
Him: .......I'm gonna go into this meeting now.
Me: ....grinning and nomming.....

Time Off

Him: Hey, I'm not in tomorrow, so either take the day off, or give M the day off. Whoever stays should only do a half day.
Me: Ok. I already told M to take it off, and planned on doing so as well. No one else will be here. Do you still want one of us to come in?
Him: Oh! No. Stay away. Far far away.
Me: Aw man! I was also planning to hover near our doorway as my happy-fun day-off activity! You're such a kill joy.
Him: Well, ok… but only do it for half the day.

Games...

Him: Guess what I'm doing tonight?
Me: Do I really hafta guess?
Him: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.
Me: Ok, my first question is what are you doing tonight?
Him: No no no no... come on!
Me: Ugh..... fine. Is it an event or a show?
Him: Show!
Me: Is it a theatrical show or a concert?
Him: A concert!
Me: Are you seeing Van Morrison?
Him: Looka you with the big brain!!!
Me: ....oh good. Well, have fun.
Him: Thanks! So, do you know what the next meeting on my schedule is about?
Me: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.

Refreshing

Him: Hey, when did that call end up getting scheduled?
Me: Next Tuesday morning.
Him: I don't see it on the calendar.
Me: Then you should refresh it.
Him: ……..(muttered) maybe YOU should refresh it.
Me: …….seriously?

(Have I ever mentioned I do NOT embellish these?)

Spoil Sport

Him: I need to be outta here no later than 3:45 today. If I'm not, then kick me.
Me: .........really?! (perhaps a little too gleefully)
Him: NO! And if you do, I'll sue you.
Me: *pout*

Where's the trust?

Him: Did that scheduling email fall thru the cracks somehow?
Me: Not at all, oh ye of little faith.
Him: Hey! I only asked cuz he replied like he hadn't heard from you. Did he just miss it?
Me: Yep. He'll get to it shortly, I'm sure. People reply to emails everyday without getting thru the rest of their inbox first, sillypants.
Him: Ah. Well y'see, I just naturally assume everyone treats your emails with the highest possible priority.
Me: Nice save.

Lodging

Me: (complaining about my 2-bridge commute)
Him: You should get a place nextdoor.
Me: I could never afford that.
Him: Just get a 2 bedroom, and AirBnB the extra room.
Me: You ARE aware it isn't the safest thing for a single girl to have strangers in her living space on a semi-regular basis, right?
Him: I thought you knew 12 different ways to kill a man with your bare hands. No?
Me: -_-

I have that effect on some.

Me: Your 11am is running late due to accidents.
Him: Why are you causing so many accidents?
Me: I'm not causing the accidents!
Him: How do you know you're not? You didn't see them happen.
Me: So, do you think the drivers were distracted by dreams of me?
Him: Bwaaahahahahahaha!
Me: .......you could've laughed a little less readily on that one, bub.

Wind beneath your what?

Me: Hey, this guy says he'll meet you for lunch "at his new place", but I don't see an address. Do you know where it is?
Him: Nope, but I'll figure it out in time.
Me: ..........you mean you'll have me scramble at the last minute to find out, don't you?
Him: Exactly! I'll figure it out in time.
Me: -_-

Phew!

Coworker: (to him) I wish I could've seen your face during that meeting.
Him: (to coworker) My face is exactly why he freaked out the next day.
Me: .....Yeah. Your face freaks me out almost every day.
Him: ..............NICE! That was a softball, and you hit a home run!
Me: .....uh, really? Is that sarcasm?
Him: No! Totally! I'd fire you for it, but it makes me laugh too much.
Me: ....................well, good.

MGTHIDNA!

Me: (in chat) Is this your iPad on my desk?
Him: (verbally) .....uh, yeah.
Me: (in chat) Would you like it back?
Him: (verbally) .....unh, mgthidna.
Me: (in chat) Uhhhhh, could you repeat that in English?
Him: (verbally and purposely mumbled this time) ...MGTHIDNA!
Me: (delivering iPad) ....oooookay. Here y'gooo.

Zippin It!

Him to Coworker(tm): (typical Bossipoo-style sarcastic comment)
Me: Hey! Quit picking on Coworker(tm)!
Him: If I didn't have Coworker(tm) to pick on, I'd hafta pick on you 100% of the time.
Me: ................ Sorry, Coworker(tm). You're on your own.

Spellcheck

Him: When you're really mad, it's spelled P-I-S-S-E-D, right?
Me: If you're emailing someone else, correct. If you're emailing me it's spelled L-O-V-E.
Him: ...............um.
Me: I know. I even made mySELF wanna puke on that one.
Him: That's spelled P-U-K-E, btw.
Me: Yes it is. Thanks.

TADAAAA!!!!

Him: Can you figure out if I can get to/from this specific airport in Mexico on specific dates without ever spending more than 2 hours on layover anywhere?
Me: ......and while also balancing a spoon on your nose?
Him: .........shut up.

*stabstabstabstabSTAB*

Him: Hey, could you check to make sure the press release was sent to (name of third person he's asked about within last 10 minutes)?
Me: Yes. He was included. Are you going to ask me about many more people, or are you going to trust I covered everyone you asked me to? I keep having to back out of the task I'm working on to make these double/triple checks happen.
Him: Awwwwww. It sucks to hafta do your job, doesn't it?
Me: Not at all. It sucks to hafta STOP doing your job in order to prove to your boss you already did your previous job correctly.
Him: ..................fair enough.

(he hasn't asked me to confirm anyone since)

Peckish

Him: (referring to someone late to a mtg) What have you done with him?!
Me: Afternoon snack! He was delicious!
Him: You're not allowed to eat our CEOs!
Me: That wasn't on the rules list, now, was it?

Rules Schmules

Me: That CEO's been tough to get replies out of ever since I declined his invitation to go out dancing.
Him: Maybe you should've gone out dancing with him.
Me: Uh.... no.
Him: New rule! You should do anything the CEOs ask you to do.
Me: Dude, I'll come in there and stab you.
Him: Not doing that is *definitely* on the rule list.

Vacay Mkay?

Him: I'm probably gonna be out from April 15-22 for Spring Break. Would you mind calendaring that for me?
Me: Well, I'll add it to the schedule, but I better not see any Bossipoo Gone Wild videos coming outta that.
Him: ........... I can't guarantee that.
Me: (shudder)

Focus?

Him: (sends me a senility joke while in a board mtg)
Me: Your meeting is riveting, I see.
Him: (responds with a zombie joke)
Me: Pay attention in class, or you get the dunce cap.
Him: I'm very good at multitasking.
Me: (gives up)

Twinsies

Coworker who had just dropped by Bossipoo's desk and then my desk...
Her: Are you two IMing right now?
Me: Yeah. Why?
Her: You both have the same smirk on.
Me & Bossipoo simultaneously: *hysterical laughter*

By "no" do you mean yes?

Me: Speek acct test successful! Great service. Plus, I love their monkey logo!
Him: Monkeys are the best.
Me: Gasp! Can we get an office monkey?!!!
Him: No
Me: You hate me.
Him: No
Me: Come on! Don't you think friday poo-fights would be fun?
Him: No
Me: Jeezy Creezy. What a Negative Nelly.

Chicken

Him: Do we have an air blower can?
Me: Yup. Need it?
Him: I could say something sarcastic here, but I'll hold back.
Me: I assumed you would. I'm very disappointed right now. (air on its way)

Go Team!

Him: FYI, I'm gonna be out on Sept 11th. Mainly to celebrate your birthday... by going to a Giants game... without you.
Me: I knew you cared.

Tease

Him: FYI, I'm sending you something big.
Me: Is it pie?!!!
Him: No.
Me: Oh............. Not interested.

Don't forget the frosting?

Me: My mom is sending me texts from the road. She says there's a boy with a gun in his belt at 7-11, a brothel made to look like a gingerbread house at the truck stop, and an electronic road sign advertising call girls... but we CA folk are the weirdos, right? Yayyy mid-west!
Him: I love gingerbread brothels. Who wouldn't?
Me: ...............noted.

Snack Time

Me: Are you still uninterested in yogurt for now? I'm placing a grocery order.
Him: Mostly.
Me: Helpful reply.
Him: I try.
Me: One o' these days, Alice... bang zoom.

Sneaky

Me: I'm working with our VOIP vendor on the conferencing issue.
Him: Oh, there IS an issue. At least I know it wasn't just me being an idiot.
Me: Well, yes. Not for that anyway.
Him: (distracted) Um... what?
Me: (giggling) Nothiiiiing.
Him: You making fun of me?
Me: Could be. Could be not. Who's to say?
Him: Well... um... okfine.

$$$

Him: I'm now on phone with richest man in world... literally.
Me: I'll betcha that's a mis-use of "literally", but still impressive.
Him: How much do you want to bet?
Me: As much as he'll lend me. Would you mind asking?
Him: That might be awkward. So yes, I mind.
Me: You're so unsupportive. I'll bet you HE'D let me have an office kitten.
Him: I think YOU'D prefer being HIS office kitten.
Me: You may have a valid point.

Ook Ook

Me: It was actually me who devised the schedule you just fwded to me, but you're a good monkey for fwding things so religiously.
Him: A good monkey? I'm the best monkey! And you know it!
Me: I... uh...... yes. Yes, you are.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Me: Your next pitch guy is here.
Him: Yeah right. Sure he is.
Me: Weirdo.
Him: Stop harassing me.
Me: Yer not the boss of m... dammit. I keep forgetting that doesn't work with you.

Skill Expansion

Me: Hold the phone. This guy just told me the dates you asked for don't work, and then offered them on his list of what DOES work.
Him: Do I literally have to hold my phone? I'm about to use it.
Me: Well, then it's a convenient way to practice your multitasking. Please do.

Sharing Is Caring

Him: I'm glad you're here to help.
Me: I'm not here to help. I'm only here for the free cookies.
Him: Noted.
Me: Speaking of which, did you eat your whole cookie? (cuz I can help with that)
Him: As if.
Me: Drat.

Dumb is as dumb does.

Him: What the heck is up with that guy's assistant?!
Me: Dude! He's gone thru 3 in the last 2.5 yrs, and there's no way to be p.c. about it: they've all been dumber than a bag of hammers.
Him: Does a bag of hammers really ever exist? Seriously. Who would ever need a whole bag of hammers? What kind of crazy analogy is that?
Me: Pretty dumb, huh?
Him: ... I see what you did there.

Executive Ad-sith-istrator

Him: Could you call Wynn Vegas for me, and negotiate my reservation down to the cheaper price they're advertising now? (may the force be with you)
Me: I'll take care of it. (right after I take over the dark side)

Better than "Trood F...ery"

Him: Did you see the new food truck?
Me: Yeah. Looks great!
Him: I like that our food-truckery is expanding.
Me: Did you say food-truckery?
Him: Yes, I did.
Me: Oh, good.

Brainema

Me: "You've asked that 3 times now, but here's the answer again."
Him: "Oh yeah. Thx. My mind is full, so I can't remember stuff."
Me: "You need a brainema."
Him: "See? Right there. I even forgot that was a word."

thE biG buckS

Him: "My ALL CAPS didn't work."
Me: "Sounds like a personal problem."
Him: "But I wanted to say YUM, not Yum."
Me: "Next time say yUM to compensate."
Him: "See, that's why I pay you the big bucks."

I'll never stop asking!

Me: Scheduling favor/request... please let me move calendar events when they need rescheduling, rather than deleting them. I love that you try to save me work now and then, but I lose all the event details when the item is deleted.
Bossipoo: Yep! Makes sense.
Me: Coolio foolio.
*brief radio silence*
Me: Next request... office kitten?
Bossipoo: Not a chance.
Me: Curses!

NCC-1701

Me: You know your next pitch is here, yes?
Him: Just finishing a call.
Me: He has a Romulan haircut, btw. Just FYI.
Him: See, now I'm just gonna start laughing while I'm in there.
Me: Beware. He may be prone to vicious outbursts over his distain for humans. If I were you, I'd set phasers to ChillOutMan.
Him: You are SO not cool.

Overheard in the next room...

Coworker: "What? Wylie Coyote?"
*pause*
Him: "Dude! I said Financial Cliff! WTF?!"

Bossipoo™ knows my humor so well...

... I love my job.

Yer never fully dressed without a...

Me: I just got you a sweet upgrade on your room for Thursday night.
Him: Excellent. I have a big smile on my face.
Me: Well, I hope it belongs to you. Otherwise, weeeeeird!
Him: ROFL! I need to give you another raise.

D'aaawwwwwwww!!!

Me: This new service I'm looking into seems to be infinitely more flexible and multi-platform compatible than our current service. Also, it's .99 per month, or $9.99 per year! Can I get it? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Him: Hm. I dunno. That's pretty steep, but I gueeeess I'll let you spend ten bucks. *sarcasticlook(tm)*
Me: Boosipoo? You realize that normal logic dictates I should dislike you, right? Why does it instead delight me so much when you're being a smartass?
Him: Because you're the Yin, and my wife is the Yang, and the universe is very strict about keeping a balance.
Me: .............. That's mildly creepy, moderately hilarious, and majorly sweet. You win today. :D

Burfday Email

Him: Happy birthday, young lady! I suggest you spend the entire day and night partying, dancing, eating cake, laughing, making sarcastic comments to people, and generally doing anything you please. Hope your vacation is going nicely. Have fun!
Me: Will do, best Bossipoo ever!

Tipsy Skies?

Him: Do you want these Southwest drink coupons? I never use them.
Me: Sure! I'll use the hell outta those!
Him: Ok, but you can't use all 4 at the same time. You'll be drunk.
Me: Yer not the boss o' me!
Him: *sternlook(™)*
Me: ...when I'm on a plane!

And so it begins...

Bossipoo™and I have a frighteningly similar pithy/quirky sense of humor, that I thought it wise to catalog as many exchanges as my busy work day will allow me to capture.

We'll start today with a simple Bossipoo nonsensical quote...
"That's the problem with fingers, is that you hafta use them."