Time Off

Him: Hey, I'm not in tomorrow, so either take the day off, or give M the day off. Whoever stays should only do a half day.
Me: Ok. I already told M to take it off, and planned on doing so as well. No one else will be here. Do you still want one of us to come in?
Him: Oh! No. Stay away. Far far away.
Me: Aw man! I was also planning to hover near our doorway as my happy-fun day-off activity! You're such a kill joy.
Him: Well, ok… but only do it for half the day.

Games...

Him: Guess what I'm doing tonight?
Me: Do I really hafta guess?
Him: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.
Me: Ok, my first question is what are you doing tonight?
Him: No no no no... come on!
Me: Ugh..... fine. Is it an event or a show?
Him: Show!
Me: Is it a theatrical show or a concert?
Him: A concert!
Me: Are you seeing Van Morrison?
Him: Looka you with the big brain!!!
Me: ....oh good. Well, have fun.
Him: Thanks! So, do you know what the next meeting on my schedule is about?
Me: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.

Refreshing

Him: Hey, when did that call end up getting scheduled?
Me: Next Tuesday morning.
Him: I don't see it on the calendar.
Me: Then you should refresh it.
Him: ……..(muttered) maybe YOU should refresh it.
Me: …….seriously?

(Have I ever mentioned I do NOT embellish these?)

Spoil Sport

Him: I need to be outta here no later than 3:45 today. If I'm not, then kick me.
Me: .........really?! (perhaps a little too gleefully)
Him: NO! And if you do, I'll sue you.
Me: *pout*

Where's the trust?

Him: Did that scheduling email fall thru the cracks somehow?
Me: Not at all, oh ye of little faith.
Him: Hey! I only asked cuz he replied like he hadn't heard from you. Did he just miss it?
Me: Yep. He'll get to it shortly, I'm sure. People reply to emails everyday without getting thru the rest of their inbox first, sillypants.
Him: Ah. Well y'see, I just naturally assume everyone treats your emails with the highest possible priority.
Me: Nice save.

Lodging

Me: (complaining about my 2-bridge commute)
Him: You should get a place nextdoor.
Me: I could never afford that.
Him: Just get a 2 bedroom, and AirBnB the extra room.
Me: You ARE aware it isn't the safest thing for a single girl to have strangers in her living space on a semi-regular basis, right?
Him: I thought you knew 12 different ways to kill a man with your bare hands. No?
Me: -_-

I have that effect on some.

Me: Your 11am is running late due to accidents.
Him: Why are you causing so many accidents?
Me: I'm not causing the accidents!
Him: How do you know you're not? You didn't see them happen.
Me: So, do you think the drivers were distracted by dreams of me?
Him: Bwaaahahahahahaha!
Me: .......you could've laughed a little less readily on that one, bub.

Wind beneath your what?

Me: Hey, this guy says he'll meet you for lunch "at his new place", but I don't see an address. Do you know where it is?
Him: Nope, but I'll figure it out in time.
Me: ..........you mean you'll have me scramble at the last minute to find out, don't you?
Him: Exactly! I'll figure it out in time.
Me: -_-

Phew!

Coworker: (to him) I wish I could've seen your face during that meeting.
Him: (to coworker) My face is exactly why he freaked out the next day.
Me: .....Yeah. Your face freaks me out almost every day.
Him: ..............NICE! That was a softball, and you hit a home run!
Me: .....uh, really? Is that sarcasm?
Him: No! Totally! I'd fire you for it, but it makes me laugh too much.
Me: ....................well, good.

MGTHIDNA!

Me: (in chat) Is this your iPad on my desk?
Him: (verbally) .....uh, yeah.
Me: (in chat) Would you like it back?
Him: (verbally) .....unh, mgthidna.
Me: (in chat) Uhhhhh, could you repeat that in English?
Him: (verbally and purposely mumbled this time) ...MGTHIDNA!
Me: (delivering iPad) ....oooookay. Here y'gooo.

Zippin It!

Him to Coworker(tm): (typical Bossipoo-style sarcastic comment)
Me: Hey! Quit picking on Coworker(tm)!
Him: If I didn't have Coworker(tm) to pick on, I'd hafta pick on you 100% of the time.
Me: ................ Sorry, Coworker(tm). You're on your own.

Spellcheck

Him: When you're really mad, it's spelled P-I-S-S-E-D, right?
Me: If you're emailing someone else, correct. If you're emailing me it's spelled L-O-V-E.
Him: ...............um.
Me: I know. I even made mySELF wanna puke on that one.
Him: That's spelled P-U-K-E, btw.
Me: Yes it is. Thanks.

TADAAAA!!!!

Him: Can you figure out if I can get to/from this specific airport in Mexico on specific dates without ever spending more than 2 hours on layover anywhere?
Me: ......and while also balancing a spoon on your nose?
Him: .........shut up.

*stabstabstabstabSTAB*

Him: Hey, could you check to make sure the press release was sent to (name of third person he's asked about within last 10 minutes)?
Me: Yes. He was included. Are you going to ask me about many more people, or are you going to trust I covered everyone you asked me to? I keep having to back out of the task I'm working on to make these double/triple checks happen.
Him: Awwwwww. It sucks to hafta do your job, doesn't it?
Me: Not at all. It sucks to hafta STOP doing your job in order to prove to your boss you already did your previous job correctly.
Him: ..................fair enough.

(he hasn't asked me to confirm anyone since)

Peckish

Him: (referring to someone late to a mtg) What have you done with him?!
Me: Afternoon snack! He was delicious!
Him: You're not allowed to eat our CEOs!
Me: That wasn't on the rules list, now, was it?

Rules Schmules

Me: That CEO's been tough to get replies out of ever since I declined his invitation to go out dancing.
Him: Maybe you should've gone out dancing with him.
Me: Uh.... no.
Him: New rule! You should do anything the CEOs ask you to do.
Me: Dude, I'll come in there and stab you.
Him: Not doing that is *definitely* on the rule list.

Vacay Mkay?

Him: I'm probably gonna be out from April 15-22 for Spring Break. Would you mind calendaring that for me?
Me: Well, I'll add it to the schedule, but I better not see any Bossipoo Gone Wild videos coming outta that.
Him: ........... I can't guarantee that.
Me: (shudder)

Focus?

Him: (sends me a senility joke while in a board mtg)
Me: Your meeting is riveting, I see.
Him: (responds with a zombie joke)
Me: Pay attention in class, or you get the dunce cap.
Him: I'm very good at multitasking.
Me: (gives up)

Twinsies

Coworker who had just dropped by Bossipoo's desk and then my desk...
Her: Are you two IMing right now?
Me: Yeah. Why?
Her: You both have the same smirk on.
Me & Bossipoo simultaneously: *hysterical laughter*

By "no" do you mean yes?

Me: Speek acct test successful! Great service. Plus, I love their monkey logo!
Him: Monkeys are the best.
Me: Gasp! Can we get an office monkey?!!!
Him: No
Me: You hate me.
Him: No
Me: Come on! Don't you think friday poo-fights would be fun?
Him: No
Me: Jeezy Creezy. What a Negative Nelly.

Chicken

Him: Do we have an air blower can?
Me: Yup. Need it?
Him: I could say something sarcastic here, but I'll hold back.
Me: I assumed you would. I'm very disappointed right now. (air on its way)

Go Team!

Him: FYI, I'm gonna be out on Sept 11th. Mainly to celebrate your birthday... by going to a Giants game... without you.
Me: I knew you cared.

Tease

Him: FYI, I'm sending you something big.
Me: Is it pie?!!!
Him: No.
Me: Oh............. Not interested.

Don't forget the frosting?

Me: My mom is sending me texts from the road. She says there's a boy with a gun in his belt at 7-11, a brothel made to look like a gingerbread house at the truck stop, and an electronic road sign advertising call girls... but we CA folk are the weirdos, right? Yayyy mid-west!
Him: I love gingerbread brothels. Who wouldn't?
Me: ...............noted.

Snack Time

Me: Are you still uninterested in yogurt for now? I'm placing a grocery order.
Him: Mostly.
Me: Helpful reply.
Him: I try.
Me: One o' these days, Alice... bang zoom.

Sneaky

Me: I'm working with our VOIP vendor on the conferencing issue.
Him: Oh, there IS an issue. At least I know it wasn't just me being an idiot.
Me: Well, yes. Not for that anyway.
Him: (distracted) Um... what?
Me: (giggling) Nothiiiiing.
Him: You making fun of me?
Me: Could be. Could be not. Who's to say?
Him: Well... um... okfine.

$$$

Him: I'm now on phone with richest man in world... literally.
Me: I'll betcha that's a mis-use of "literally", but still impressive.
Him: How much do you want to bet?
Me: As much as he'll lend me. Would you mind asking?
Him: That might be awkward. So yes, I mind.
Me: You're so unsupportive. I'll bet you HE'D let me have an office kitten.
Him: I think YOU'D prefer being HIS office kitten.
Me: You may have a valid point.

Ook Ook

Me: It was actually me who devised the schedule you just fwded to me, but you're a good monkey for fwding things so religiously.
Him: A good monkey? I'm the best monkey! And you know it!
Me: I... uh...... yes. Yes, you are.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Me: Your next pitch guy is here.
Him: Yeah right. Sure he is.
Me: Weirdo.
Him: Stop harassing me.
Me: Yer not the boss of m... dammit. I keep forgetting that doesn't work with you.

Skill Expansion

Me: Hold the phone. This guy just told me the dates you asked for don't work, and then offered them on his list of what DOES work.
Him: Do I literally have to hold my phone? I'm about to use it.
Me: Well, then it's a convenient way to practice your multitasking. Please do.

Sharing Is Caring

Him: I'm glad you're here to help.
Me: I'm not here to help. I'm only here for the free cookies.
Him: Noted.
Me: Speaking of which, did you eat your whole cookie? (cuz I can help with that)
Him: As if.
Me: Drat.

Dumb is as dumb does.

Him: What the heck is up with that guy's assistant?!
Me: Dude! He's gone thru 3 in the last 2.5 yrs, and there's no way to be p.c. about it: they've all been dumber than a bag of hammers.
Him: Does a bag of hammers really ever exist? Seriously. Who would ever need a whole bag of hammers? What kind of crazy analogy is that?
Me: Pretty dumb, huh?
Him: ... I see what you did there.

Executive Ad-sith-istrator

Him: Could you call Wynn Vegas for me, and negotiate my reservation down to the cheaper price they're advertising now? (may the force be with you)
Me: I'll take care of it. (right after I take over the dark side)

Better than "Trood F...ery"

Him: Did you see the new food truck?
Me: Yeah. Looks great!
Him: I like that our food-truckery is expanding.
Me: Did you say food-truckery?
Him: Yes, I did.
Me: Oh, good.

Brainema

Me: "You've asked that 3 times now, but here's the answer again."
Him: "Oh yeah. Thx. My mind is full, so I can't remember stuff."
Me: "You need a brainema."
Him: "See? Right there. I even forgot that was a word."

thE biG buckS

Him: "My ALL CAPS didn't work."
Me: "Sounds like a personal problem."
Him: "But I wanted to say YUM, not Yum."
Me: "Next time say yUM to compensate."
Him: "See, that's why I pay you the big bucks."

I'll never stop asking!

Me: Scheduling favor/request... please let me move calendar events when they need rescheduling, rather than deleting them. I love that you try to save me work now and then, but I lose all the event details when the item is deleted.
Bossipoo: Yep! Makes sense.
Me: Coolio foolio.
*brief radio silence*
Me: Next request... office kitten?
Bossipoo: Not a chance.
Me: Curses!

NCC-1701

Me: You know your next pitch is here, yes?
Him: Just finishing a call.
Me: He has a Romulan haircut, btw. Just FYI.
Him: See, now I'm just gonna start laughing while I'm in there.
Me: Beware. He may be prone to vicious outbursts over his distain for humans. If I were you, I'd set phasers to ChillOutMan.
Him: You are SO not cool.

Overheard in the next room...

Coworker: "What? Wylie Coyote?"
*pause*
Him: "Dude! I said Financial Cliff! WTF?!"

Bossipoo™ knows my humor so well...

... I love my job.

Yer never fully dressed without a...

Me: I just got you a sweet upgrade on your room for Thursday night.
Him: Excellent. I have a big smile on my face.
Me: Well, I hope it belongs to you. Otherwise, weeeeeird!
Him: ROFL! I need to give you another raise.

D'aaawwwwwwww!!!

Me: This new service I'm looking into seems to be infinitely more flexible and multi-platform compatible than our current service. Also, it's .99 per month, or $9.99 per year! Can I get it? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Him: Hm. I dunno. That's pretty steep, but I gueeeess I'll let you spend ten bucks. *sarcasticlook(tm)*
Me: Boosipoo? You realize that normal logic dictates I should dislike you, right? Why does it instead delight me so much when you're being a smartass?
Him: Because you're the Yin, and my wife is the Yang, and the universe is very strict about keeping a balance.
Me: .............. That's mildly creepy, moderately hilarious, and majorly sweet. You win today. :D

Burfday Email

Him: Happy birthday, young lady! I suggest you spend the entire day and night partying, dancing, eating cake, laughing, making sarcastic comments to people, and generally doing anything you please. Hope your vacation is going nicely. Have fun!
Me: Will do, best Bossipoo ever!

Tipsy Skies?

Him: Do you want these Southwest drink coupons? I never use them.
Me: Sure! I'll use the hell outta those!
Him: Ok, but you can't use all 4 at the same time. You'll be drunk.
Me: Yer not the boss o' me!
Him: *sternlook(™)*
Me: ...when I'm on a plane!

And so it begins...

Bossipoo™and I have a frighteningly similar pithy/quirky sense of humor, that I thought it wise to catalog as many exchanges as my busy work day will allow me to capture.

We'll start today with a simple Bossipoo nonsensical quote...
"That's the problem with fingers, is that you hafta use them."