Warmfuzzies!!

Him: (via greeting card) Thanks for always keeping me on track & organized. No small task, but you rock it everyday. Cheers to a fantastic 2014 for us!
Me: *blushingprofusely*
Him: Also, here's some booze & happyfun spendin cards. Enjoy!
Me: Woohoo!

NOM!

Him: I don't wanna go into this meeting yet, so I'm gonna stand here and watch you eat noodles.
Me: (unfazed) ......nomnomnom.......
Him: You know... cuz... people don't like it when you watch them eat noodles.
Me: (still unfazed) ...nomnomnom. People? I ain't people! ...nomnom...
Him: You're not?
Me: ...nomnom... Nope! ...nom... I am a shimmering, glowing star in the thee-uh-tuh firmament! ......more noms...
Him: .......I'm gonna go into this meeting now.
Me: ....grinning and nomming.....

Time Off

Him: Hey, I'm not in tomorrow, so either take the day off, or give M the day off. Whoever stays should only do a half day.
Me: Ok. I already told M to take it off, and planned on doing so as well. No one else will be here. Do you still want one of us to come in?
Him: Oh! No. Stay away. Far far away.
Me: Aw man! I was also planning to hover near our doorway as my happy-fun day-off activity! You're such a kill joy.
Him: Well, ok… but only do it for half the day.

Games...

Him: Guess what I'm doing tonight?
Me: Do I really hafta guess?
Him: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.
Me: Ok, my first question is what are you doing tonight?
Him: No no no no... come on!
Me: Ugh..... fine. Is it an event or a show?
Him: Show!
Me: Is it a theatrical show or a concert?
Him: A concert!
Me: Are you seeing Van Morrison?
Him: Looka you with the big brain!!!
Me: ....oh good. Well, have fun.
Him: Thanks! So, do you know what the next meeting on my schedule is about?
Me: Yeah! I'll give you twenty questions to figure it out.

Refreshing

Him: Hey, when did that call end up getting scheduled?
Me: Next Tuesday morning.
Him: I don't see it on the calendar.
Me: Then you should refresh it.
Him: ……..(muttered) maybe YOU should refresh it.
Me: …….seriously?

(Have I ever mentioned I do NOT embellish these?)

Spoil Sport

Him: I need to be outta here no later than 3:45 today. If I'm not, then kick me.
Me: .........really?! (perhaps a little too gleefully)
Him: NO! And if you do, I'll sue you.
Me: *pout*

Where's the trust?

Him: Did that scheduling email fall thru the cracks somehow?
Me: Not at all, oh ye of little faith.
Him: Hey! I only asked cuz he replied like he hadn't heard from you. Did he just miss it?
Me: Yep. He'll get to it shortly, I'm sure. People reply to emails everyday without getting thru the rest of their inbox first, sillypants.
Him: Ah. Well y'see, I just naturally assume everyone treats your emails with the highest possible priority.
Me: Nice save.

Lodging

Me: (complaining about my 2-bridge commute)
Him: You should get a place nextdoor.
Me: I could never afford that.
Him: Just get a 2 bedroom, and AirBnB the extra room.
Me: You ARE aware it isn't the safest thing for a single girl to have strangers in her living space on a semi-regular basis, right?
Him: I thought you knew 12 different ways to kill a man with your bare hands. No?
Me: -_-

I have that effect on some.

Me: Your 11am is running late due to accidents.
Him: Why are you causing so many accidents?
Me: I'm not causing the accidents!
Him: How do you know you're not? You didn't see them happen.
Me: So, do you think the drivers were distracted by dreams of me?
Him: Bwaaahahahahahaha!
Me: .......you could've laughed a little less readily on that one, bub.

Wind beneath your what?

Me: Hey, this guy says he'll meet you for lunch "at his new place", but I don't see an address. Do you know where it is?
Him: Nope, but I'll figure it out in time.
Me: ..........you mean you'll have me scramble at the last minute to find out, don't you?
Him: Exactly! I'll figure it out in time.
Me: -_-

Phew!

Coworker: (to him) I wish I could've seen your face during that meeting.
Him: (to coworker) My face is exactly why he freaked out the next day.
Me: .....Yeah. Your face freaks me out almost every day.
Him: ..............NICE! That was a softball, and you hit a home run!
Me: .....uh, really? Is that sarcasm?
Him: No! Totally! I'd fire you for it, but it makes me laugh too much.
Me: ....................well, good.

MGTHIDNA!

Me: (in chat) Is this your iPad on my desk?
Him: (verbally) .....uh, yeah.
Me: (in chat) Would you like it back?
Him: (verbally) .....unh, mgthidna.
Me: (in chat) Uhhhhh, could you repeat that in English?
Him: (verbally and purposely mumbled this time) ...MGTHIDNA!
Me: (delivering iPad) ....oooookay. Here y'gooo.

Zippin It!

Him to Coworker(tm): (typical Bossipoo-style sarcastic comment)
Me: Hey! Quit picking on Coworker(tm)!
Him: If I didn't have Coworker(tm) to pick on, I'd hafta pick on you 100% of the time.
Me: ................ Sorry, Coworker(tm). You're on your own.

Spellcheck

Him: When you're really mad, it's spelled P-I-S-S-E-D, right?
Me: If you're emailing someone else, correct. If you're emailing me it's spelled L-O-V-E.
Him: ...............um.
Me: I know. I even made mySELF wanna puke on that one.
Him: That's spelled P-U-K-E, btw.
Me: Yes it is. Thanks.

TADAAAA!!!!

Him: Can you figure out if I can get to/from this specific airport in Mexico on specific dates without ever spending more than 2 hours on layover anywhere?
Me: ......and while also balancing a spoon on your nose?
Him: .........shut up.

*stabstabstabstabSTAB*

Him: Hey, could you check to make sure the press release was sent to (name of third person he's asked about within last 10 minutes)?
Me: Yes. He was included. Are you going to ask me about many more people, or are you going to trust I covered everyone you asked me to? I keep having to back out of the task I'm working on to make these double/triple checks happen.
Him: Awwwwww. It sucks to hafta do your job, doesn't it?
Me: Not at all. It sucks to hafta STOP doing your job in order to prove to your boss you already did your previous job correctly.
Him: ..................fair enough.

(he hasn't asked me to confirm anyone since)

Peckish

Him: (referring to someone late to a mtg) What have you done with him?!
Me: Afternoon snack! He was delicious!
Him: You're not allowed to eat our CEOs!
Me: That wasn't on the rules list, now, was it?

Rules Schmules

Me: That CEO's been tough to get replies out of ever since I declined his invitation to go out dancing.
Him: Maybe you should've gone out dancing with him.
Me: Uh.... no.
Him: New rule! You should do anything the CEOs ask you to do.
Me: Dude, I'll come in there and stab you.
Him: Not doing that is *definitely* on the rule list.

Vacay Mkay?

Him: I'm probably gonna be out from April 15-22 for Spring Break. Would you mind calendaring that for me?
Me: Well, I'll add it to the schedule, but I better not see any Bossipoo Gone Wild videos coming outta that.
Him: ........... I can't guarantee that.
Me: (shudder)

Focus?

Him: (sends me a senility joke while in a board mtg)
Me: Your meeting is riveting, I see.
Him: (responds with a zombie joke)
Me: Pay attention in class, or you get the dunce cap.
Him: I'm very good at multitasking.
Me: (gives up)

Twinsies

Coworker who had just dropped by Bossipoo's desk and then my desk...
Her: Are you two IMing right now?
Me: Yeah. Why?
Her: You both have the same smirk on.
Me & Bossipoo simultaneously: *hysterical laughter*

By "no" do you mean yes?

Me: Speek acct test successful! Great service. Plus, I love their monkey logo!
Him: Monkeys are the best.
Me: Gasp! Can we get an office monkey?!!!
Him: No
Me: You hate me.
Him: No
Me: Come on! Don't you think friday poo-fights would be fun?
Him: No
Me: Jeezy Creezy. What a Negative Nelly.

Chicken

Him: Do we have an air blower can?
Me: Yup. Need it?
Him: I could say something sarcastic here, but I'll hold back.
Me: I assumed you would. I'm very disappointed right now. (air on its way)

Go Team!

Him: FYI, I'm gonna be out on Sept 11th. Mainly to celebrate your birthday... by going to a Giants game... without you.
Me: I knew you cared.

Tease

Him: FYI, I'm sending you something big.
Me: Is it pie?!!!
Him: No.
Me: Oh............. Not interested.

Don't forget the frosting?

Me: My mom is sending me texts from the road. She says there's a boy with a gun in his belt at 7-11, a brothel made to look like a gingerbread house at the truck stop, and an electronic road sign advertising call girls... but we CA folk are the weirdos, right? Yayyy mid-west!
Him: I love gingerbread brothels. Who wouldn't?
Me: ...............noted.

Snack Time

Me: Are you still uninterested in yogurt for now? I'm placing a grocery order.
Him: Mostly.
Me: Helpful reply.
Him: I try.
Me: One o' these days, Alice... bang zoom.

Sneaky

Me: I'm working with our VOIP vendor on the conferencing issue.
Him: Oh, there IS an issue. At least I know it wasn't just me being an idiot.
Me: Well, yes. Not for that anyway.
Him: (distracted) Um... what?
Me: (giggling) Nothiiiiing.
Him: You making fun of me?
Me: Could be. Could be not. Who's to say?
Him: Well... um... okfine.

$$$

Him: I'm now on phone with richest man in world... literally.
Me: I'll betcha that's a mis-use of "literally", but still impressive.
Him: How much do you want to bet?
Me: As much as he'll lend me. Would you mind asking?
Him: That might be awkward. So yes, I mind.
Me: You're so unsupportive. I'll bet you HE'D let me have an office kitten.
Him: I think YOU'D prefer being HIS office kitten.
Me: You may have a valid point.

Ook Ook

Me: It was actually me who devised the schedule you just fwded to me, but you're a good monkey for fwding things so religiously.
Him: A good monkey? I'm the best monkey! And you know it!
Me: I... uh...... yes. Yes, you are.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Me: Your next pitch guy is here.
Him: Yeah right. Sure he is.
Me: Weirdo.
Him: Stop harassing me.
Me: Yer not the boss of m... dammit. I keep forgetting that doesn't work with you.

Skill Expansion

Me: Hold the phone. This guy just told me the dates you asked for don't work, and then offered them on his list of what DOES work.
Him: Do I literally have to hold my phone? I'm about to use it.
Me: Well, then it's a convenient way to practice your multitasking. Please do.

Sharing Is Caring

Him: I'm glad you're here to help.
Me: I'm not here to help. I'm only here for the free cookies.
Him: Noted.
Me: Speaking of which, did you eat your whole cookie? (cuz I can help with that)
Him: As if.
Me: Drat.

Dumb is as dumb does.

Him: What the heck is up with that guy's assistant?!
Me: Dude! He's gone thru 3 in the last 2.5 yrs, and there's no way to be p.c. about it: they've all been dumber than a bag of hammers.
Him: Does a bag of hammers really ever exist? Seriously. Who would ever need a whole bag of hammers? What kind of crazy analogy is that?
Me: Pretty dumb, huh?
Him: ... I see what you did there.

Executive Ad-sith-istrator

Him: Could you call Wynn Vegas for me, and negotiate my reservation down to the cheaper price they're advertising now? (may the force be with you)
Me: I'll take care of it. (right after I take over the dark side)

Better than "Trood F...ery"

Him: Did you see the new food truck?
Me: Yeah. Looks great!
Him: I like that our food-truckery is expanding.
Me: Did you say food-truckery?
Him: Yes, I did.
Me: Oh, good.

Brainema

Me: "You've asked that 3 times now, but here's the answer again."
Him: "Oh yeah. Thx. My mind is full, so I can't remember stuff."
Me: "You need a brainema."
Him: "See? Right there. I even forgot that was a word."

thE biG buckS

Him: "My ALL CAPS didn't work."
Me: "Sounds like a personal problem."
Him: "But I wanted to say YUM, not Yum."
Me: "Next time say yUM to compensate."
Him: "See, that's why I pay you the big bucks."

I'll never stop asking!

Me: Scheduling favor/request... please let me move calendar events when they need rescheduling, rather than deleting them. I love that you try to save me work now and then, but I lose all the event details when the item is deleted.
Bossipoo: Yep! Makes sense.
Me: Coolio foolio.
*brief radio silence*
Me: Next request... office kitten?
Bossipoo: Not a chance.
Me: Curses!

NCC-1701

Me: You know your next pitch is here, yes?
Him: Just finishing a call.
Me: He has a Romulan haircut, btw. Just FYI.
Him: See, now I'm just gonna start laughing while I'm in there.
Me: Beware. He may be prone to vicious outbursts over his distain for humans. If I were you, I'd set phasers to ChillOutMan.
Him: You are SO not cool.

Overheard in the next room...

Coworker: "What? Wylie Coyote?"
*pause*
Him: "Dude! I said Financial Cliff! WTF?!"